How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
