i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
