Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Randomize
