Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
