The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
It's blow job season.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
