I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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