i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
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