This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
this beer tastes like vomit already
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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