If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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