You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
