Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
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