So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
