why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Randomize
