Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
