Plan B is the new Plan A
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
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