WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Randomize
