You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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