Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
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