i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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