Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
