I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Randomize
