Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
i believe in u and ur pee
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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