five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
