I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
So many bounce houses so little time
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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