I'm so fucking centered right now
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
you win again, gameday.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
