I want to have your abortion
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
