My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
