worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
