you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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