just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
