dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I think pants incapable of making pants work
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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