I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
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