So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
