i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
