god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize
