I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
