he thought i was a dude.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
