just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
