Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
wat bout pragnant strippers??
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
