A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Randomize
