Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
