He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
