Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Randomize
