I could make wine with my vomit
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
