I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
