note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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