I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
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