don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
