Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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