I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
