dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
