my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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