Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
